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.In this example, that involved my reviewing what Iknew about Mary Ann that would lead her not to call, such as herdislike of pay phones, which had nothing to do with abandonment.It may be too much to ask ourselves always to be able to antici-pate and defuse emotions, especially at the outset.But part ofbecoming more skilled in how we deal with our emotions is devel-oping the ability to analyze and understand what has happened oncea given episode is over.The analysis should be done at a time whenwe no longer feel the need to justify what we did.Those analysescan help alert us to what we need to guard against, and they can helpus cool down an emotional trigger.In the previous chapter I recommended keeping an emotion diaryof episodes that one regrets.Studying that diary can help to identifynot only why such episodes are occurring, but when they are likelyto reoccur and what you can do to change yourself so it doesn't hap-pen in the future.It would be useful also to keep in that same diarya record of episodes in which one succeeds, in which one reacts well.Apart from providing encouragement, such diary entries allow us toreflect on why we were sometimes able to succeed, as well as whenand why we failed.Frequently the issue will be what to do once an emotion hasbegun and we are in the refractory period, unable to reinterpretwhat is occurring.If we are being attentive, we can try not to feedthe emotion while inhibiting actions that are likely to cause theother person to respond in such a way as to make our own feelingsbecome stronger.If I had made accusations, Mary Ann might wellhave responded defensively with anger, which would have made mebecome angry again, perhaps angrier.I have come to view control-ling emotional behavior, whether it is fear or anger, as a challenge, achallenge I almost enjoy, although I don't always succeed.When Ido succeed I have a sense of mastery that is very satisfying.Again, Ibelieve practice and thinking about what needs to be done, as well asbeing self-aware during the emotional episode, can help.Controlling emotional behavior will not always work.When theemotion aroused is very strong, when we are in a mood that predis-poses us toward the emotion, when the event resonates very closelywith one of the evolved emotional themes or with an early learnedemotion trigger, my suggestions will be more difficult to use.And,depending on the emotion, some people's affective style—thosewho characteristically become emotional very quickly and veryintensely—will make it harder to control some emotions.The fact that we will not always succeed does not mean that wecannot improve.The key is to understand ourselves better.By ana-lyzing our emotional episodes afterward, we can begin to developthe habit of attentiveness.By learning to focus more on what it is weare feeling, by learning some of the internal clues that signal to uswhat emotions we are feeling, we are more likely to be able to mon-itor our feelings.Increasing our ability to spot the signs of how oth-ers are responding to us emotionally can alert us to be attentive towhat it is we are doing and feeling—and help us respond to others'emotions in an appropriate way.And, learning about the commontriggers for each emotion, those we share with others and those thatare especially important or unique for us, can help us prepare for-emotional encounters.The next chapters provide information on allthese matters.5 Sadnessand AgonyIt is a parent's worse nightmare.Your sonsuddenly disappears, with no apparent explanation.Months lateryou hear that the police have uncovered a homosexual mass murderring that abducted, tortured, and killed young boys.Then you learnthat your son's body has been uncovered and identified at the massburial site.The police were led there by seventeen-year-old Elmer WayneHenley.The police had arrested Henley for shooting his friendDean Corll, thirty-three, after an all-night paint-sniffing party.Henley claimed to be part of a mass murder ring procuring youngboys for Dean Corll.When Corll said Henley was to be his next vic-tim, Henley shot him.In custody for Corll's death, Henley told thepolice about the murder of the boys as "a service to them [the par-ents] of sorts." He felt the parents should know what had happenedto their sons.In all, the bodies of twenty-seven young boys wererecovered.Bettye Shirley is the mother of one of the dead boys.Her grief isstunning, her suffering so intense that looking at her expression canbe overwhelming.One can almost hear the sobs that are burstingforth from her deeply unhappy face.The messages conveyed by theface and voice repeat each other when no attempt is made to regu-late expression.The death of one's child is a universal cause for sadness andagony.* There may not be any other event that can call forth suchintense, recurrent, and enduring unhappiness
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