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. Mercy, that shit, the reason I had to lie, it wasprivate We were gonna get married! Don t you think I get a guestpass? Chase winced and thought randomly of that picture of Ethanspitting in his asshole on the Internet.Yeah.So much less intrusivethan conversations like this. My mom killed herself did I ever tell you that? Mercy s face went white, and she used one arm on the little endtable to lower herself to the love seat. No. It hurt.It hurt to say.Almost but not quite as much as he dimagined.In his head, he was back, the little kid in front of the reddoor, just like when he d been with Doc.But Doc had made him openthe door, and made him face what was inside.Tommy knew what wasinside, and now he had to tell Mercy, he had to, because she deservedthe truth. She killed herself, Chase whispered, and it hurt his throat. Sheslit her wrists, and bled out into the tub, and I found her, and I spenthours locked in the bathroom with her while Victor, the guy you invitedto Christmas dinner, screamed at me that if I wasn t such a little faggot pussy, she would be okay. He felt queasy, saying that to someone.Hefelt queasy talking about it to Doc or Tommy, and saying it to Mercy?It violated everything in him.He thought maybe Mercy would be thelast person he d tell, and then remembered Donnie and Kevin and Dexand Kane and all the people who had visited him when he d been in theloony bin, and that maybe he owed it to them not to draw lines like thatanymore.Wonderful.He never knew he d have to be this strong. That s horrible, she whispered, and he nodded and struggled forwords to put that moment, that terrible, distant moment, into context forwhere they were right now. You see, I had this idea.The perfect wife, the perfect future, theperfect me and if I could make that future true, it wouldn t be myfault. Mercy frowned at him, puzzled. What wouldn t be your fault? That she killed herself.It wouldn t be my fault if I could havethe perfect, you know? It wasn t your fault, she said, sitting back and rubbing her facelike it was cold. Chase, how could you think But you see, I did.I did.And it sort of all boiled down to thisone word.If I wasn t this one word, then it wouldn t be my fault.Itwouldn t be my fault, and it sounded so grown-up.And you and meliving together was a lot better than the shitty apartment I had after highschool.But mostly it was just grown-up.I wanted grown-up and pretty,and&. He grimaced, not sure if she could hear this yet. You were sopretty.You were.And you were nice.And I loved you so much.I stilldo.If anyone on the planet could have made that picture come true forme, Mercy, it would have been you.But&. He trailed off and took abreath, meaning to finish the sentence because he was trying not to be acoward anymore, but Mercy finished for him.Maybe Mercy needed tofinish for him, for her own good. But I m not the one you needed. No. Tommy is. Chase nodded. Yeah. Besides the boy thing, and she laughed, like realizing this wasstupid, is there anything else about him? He doesn t take my shit.He s not always nice.He s wounded andhe needs me. No. Some truths really were best unspoken.He d tell Doc, hemight even tell Tommy.But he wouldn t say that shit to her.Dex wasright cruelty wasn t his style.She looked up at him, her face ravaged and pale. I m pregnant,Chase. His vision honest-to-fuck went black.His knees went out, and he found himself sitting down on thefloor, wondering if that red door in his head was going to fill up withwater again and how he was going to manage to keep breathing if itdid. I& I was going to have an abortion.I walked in here absolutelysure I hated you that much, that I couldn t carry your baby in my body.I actually willed it to die, this last month, I was so mad.Do you hate mefor that? How could I? His lips were bloodless. How could I? I don t hate you that much anymore.I don t. I don t see why, he muttered, his mind going blank at theabsolute levels of pain this could bring. Cause you were hurt, she whispered. You were hurt and Ididn t see it.You were talking about a pretty future, and you wanted itbecause it would make you something.I did the same thing.And& andI must have felt you slipping away, Chase.I must have.Because Ifucked with your condoms isn t that awful? Chase felt his lips twist.He could remember that night, thechange in the brand.And he d already been so far away. Yeah, he said in wonder. It s awful.But that s okay. For amoment he was giddy, absolutely giddy with relief.Doc, Tommy,they d been telling him he d done some shitty things but that didn tmake him a shitty person.But Mercy had done a shitty thing, too, and he still thought she was an okay person.Maybe life really was doingyour best and hoping that weighed in. So I made this baby, but I can t get rid of it We made this baby, he said through a dry throat. We. Mercy passed her hand over her eyes. But& but Chase I let you hope, Mercy.I told you that future was for us.If Ihadn t done that, you wouldn t have done this.We made it.We madethis baby. Mercy started to cry harder. Well, we may have made it, but Ican t raise it. Chase closed his eyes.He d seen this coming.He had. Youcan t& ? I can t kill it, Chase, but I can t raise it, either.I d look at it, andevery day I d see that future you dreamed.It was so pretty.I loved thatfuture so much.And it was a lie, and I m still so mad at you for that lie.I can t raise that lie, have it eat at my table, have it love me and onlyme, you understand? Even if I helped make that lie, I can t do it. God. I looked into some adoption agencies, and they don t have toknow for a couple of months.But&. She swallowed, and then stoodand walked over to him, bending down to put her soft little hands on hisface. You wanted a pretty future, Chase.I get that.I wanted it too. She was sitting in a chair about a foot from him, and then she knelt onthe floor suddenly, grabbed his hand, the one lying cold across histhigh, and shoved it, palm first, against her stomach. Here s a prettyfuture too.You re not an evil fucker; it took me a little while toremember that, but you re not.Do you want this future, or do we give itto someone else? Chase was crying again, but he couldn t even be mad at himselffor it. Of course I want it! he snapped bitterly, his hand convulsingagainst Mercy s smooth skin, the warm, slight rounding in herordinarily flat belly. But Mercy&. He pulled the hand away andshowed her the inside of his left wrist. The scars aren t even healed. She rubbed her thumb against the scar softly. Yeah.I hear that.But you got yourself a man, a place to stay.You sure as shit are notyour old man.You got a future.You ve got money lots of it.I soldthe fucking car, moved into my folks ; I haven t touched a penny.Idon t want the money, Chase.You gave too fucking much of your soulfor that money.It ll get you through school, it ll last you til you find ajob, especially if you ve got someone to help with the bills.It ll helpyou raise your child.You ready to do that? Can you own this, or do wegive it away? Chase met her eyes and swallowed
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